D is for Divorce

Well, Perhaps 'Wax Fruit' aka (V is for Voluntary Execution) is a tough spot to start in talking about the whole Men's Rights/Divorce/Alimony/Visitation/Support/Death Spiral. Perhaps a better way is to start at the beginning, and give an outline of the divorce process, an outline that you won't read in your lawyer's office, or on his website, and which he is either loath or unable to tell you about... And it is too big for one reasonable-length post, so I am going to have to give it the briefest summary here, and return to the individual topics at some later point.

First - you are married and start thinking about divorce, like it might be a good idea. I'd tell you you were wrong, but then, I don't know your situation. Anyway, out looks better than in, and you likely get...

Separated: Separation is where you divide your stuff from your partner's more or less informally, and make some arrangements for the kids to not be traumatized too much. You think you have done a good thing, and perhaps you have, but New Jersey thinks you are still married. New Jersey does not recognize separation. You wouldn't think that was so terrible, but it is. You may live for many years in relative peace, being separated, and seeing to your ex's basic needs, and think that all is well. It is not. You just haven't hit the bottom yet. What happens, eventually, is that someone, for some reason, decides that they need to formalize this separation with a divorce, either for re-marriage, or for some other reason. So you....

Seek a Mediated Divorce: Guess what. Mediators are all family court lawyers. They are all invested in the system, and think that it is right, and the system says that the wage-earner has to pay through the nose, so the mediator will likely give you a solution that is as bad or worse than one you would get in court. Your soon-to-be-ex, who is normally a wonderful person, I am sure, starts thinking about the many, many years that she will have to support herself, without any help, and how nice it would be to have that extra money that the Mediator is hinting at between his words. The mediator probably keeps mentioning your kids in the process, trying to make his skullduggery sound highbrow. So you stop going to the mediator, and sensing blood in the water, your soon-to-be-ex (stbx) files for...

Divorce and Motions: Besides the basic divorce your ex will file for a motion to freeze your assets, and impose an interim agreement to see to her support. They may ask to have this taken directly out of your pay by wage execution. Watch out, this 'interim' agreement is certainly not going to be in your favor, but you will be told that it will be fine because the divorce will move along quickly, and this is just an interim thing, and if the final divorce goes more your way, you can get any overpayments back. Repeat these words to yourself: I WILL NEVER SEE ANY MONEY BACK. That is fact one. Fact two: THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME. Be sure that this interim agreement is one that you will be delighted with (or as much as possible) a year or two from now. Cases can and do get delayed that long. Oh, and here is where you first get to enjoy the fun of legal fees. Theoretically the spouse that earns more always pays the other's legal fees, or a good portion thereof. Unless the spouse that earns more is female (sorry, speaking from experience here) in which case, some other excuse will be trumped up to lump the fees on the man. Next comes....

Discovery: You have to basically strip your financial, psychological, and general person and display it for your stbx's lawyer to see. You may find out things about your stbx in this process that surprise you. You may discover, for instance, that she has been happily misusing your credit since the separation... THIS IS VERY COMMON. And if your stbx has already done this once, she has probably done it more than once, and will again. More on this in another post. Next the court orders you to go to 'Court Ordered Mediation'. This is a total waste of time, and doesn't deserve a separate heading... Following that, you get to enjoy:

Certifications: This is where you say why you think you shouldn't be enslaved, and where your stbx makes up a lot of really imaginative and horrible stuff about you. At the end of your certification is a statement that says you will be punished if you lie. Don't you dare lie, but be confident that your stbx will never be punished if she does. Next comes:

Pre-Settlement: Oh, the joy. A group of bloodthirsty divorce lawyers, once again, all bought into the system, gather to review your preliminary filing, and your stbx's preliminary filing. The point of Pre-Settlement is for the panel to tell you what the very busy judge would likely decide in a full trial, so that you don't waste her time and your money. Most people would prefer to know what kind of cancer they had right away, so I suppose this is better than having to wait for trial, but not as good as living in a state that doesn't believe in male enslavement. At some point around here, your lawyers start putting together a final agreement, but before that there is:

A meeting at the bench: Turns out the judge has lots of time after all, and has read your certifications, and that judges like to meet with the lawyers before any agreement is set in stone and say what they think they would have ruled. This is usually a very scary moment, because if the judge says something more bloodthirsty than the pre-settlement panel did (and the judge is likely to, just think about how she got this job), your stbx may want to revisit any settlement that you thought you had reached. After this horror, where the judge tells you that she would have recommended far worse, you are left to finish negotiation, and if you can agree without trial, you get to come back into court for the actual...

Divorce: The judge will ask you at length if this wasn't the best thing you ever did in your life, and if you don't love this agreement. You have to say yes, or go through a trial, and have the judge do the horrible things she already explained in her bench meeting, and pay more legal fees (yours and hers). Needless to say, you nod violently in the affirmative, while expressing your agreement that the 'wax fruit' is yummy, sorry, that the 'Voluntary Execution' clause is correct. You probably celebrate that evening that this thing is over. It isn't, because people often spend more than they did on their divorce, on their...

Post Divorce Motions: OK, I can't tell you what will happen here, but if you made money, or you have bonuses, or if you ever change jobs or get married or just live, you will likely run up against your ex. She has interests that are not yours, and wants to stop you from living freely, and take any new income that you are making, or force you to continue to paying the same alimony and child support that you were before if you happen to lose your job or have some other unfortunate circumstance comes about. And if you did remarry, you will discover that (because you live in a community property state) the courts believe that half or more of the assets that your new spouse has brought to the marriage, and half or more of her income is available to satisfy any judgments against you, and that her finances are now entirely exposed. Your lawyers will tell you that this cannot happen, but it does. In divorce law, you are assumed guilty until proven innocent, and it is always possible that you hid funds in your spouse's accounts, and once and if your funds are/were co-mingled, her funds are 'tainted' - considered community property. Enjoy these post-divorce actions. You will likely have several of them, and irregardless of your relative incomes, if you are male, you will pay for most of the legal fees generated by them.

I guess in brief summary that covers the Divorce process here in NJ, at a high level, without touching on parenting 'agreements'... Have a nice day now, if you can, and if you have a workable marriage, thank God, or your lucky stars, or especially your spouse.

-M